Lemme Answer your Inquiries

Today we’d like to answer some frequently asked questions about Headline Shirts. Here they are, in no particular order…

Why do your shirts cost so much? Can’t I just go to Wal-Mart and get, like, five t-shirts for the same cost as one of yours?

Probably. Hey, as long as you’re headed to Wal-Mart, could you pick us up some Nascar lounge pants? Or, even some sweatpants (aka, called Quitters when worn in public)

OK fine, what makes your shirts so special?

Our shirts are made with the softest cotton and produced with sweatshop-free labor in the USA. We print with custom, eco-friendly, water-based inks. Finally, the shirts are put through a softening wash to give them that how-many-rabbits-had-to-die-for-this feel. All shirts have tagless necks printed with our signature neck design. Try finding that at Wal-Mart.

Are your shirts preshrunk?

Yes, our shirts do run small. Not Larry-Bird-basketball-shorts small, but small. They’re put through a softening wash, which shrinks them somewhat. Please consult our sizing chart before you buy.

What is your return policy?
All sales are final. We will exchange a shirt for another size or style, but the customer must pay for shipping. Customers who blindly send back a shirt expecting a refund will instead be billed a random dollar amount divisible by 80. Merchandise will not be returned.

Are your shirts sweatshop free?

Yes, our shirts are made in the USA and completely sweatshop free. All of our employees love what they do and are encouraged to express themselves, so long as the expression fits on one side of a 3×5 index card, is written with a No.2 pencil, and does not mention senior executives other than to extol them. Talking is permitted during designated 12-minute intervals, except during months where lockdown is in effect (February through December).

How about the shirts themselves — are they ever abused?
No, our shirts are treated with dignity and respect. They graze on a lush green pasture for 14 to 18 months. When they reach maturity, we begin to feed them a diet of barley, corn, wheat, soy, molasses and hay. We never use growth-promoting antibiotics or hormones. At night we read them bedtime stories and check to make sure there are no monsters under the bed.

Does [INSERT SHIRT NAME HERE] come in another color?

If a shirt design is available in more than one color it will say so on the site.

What’s up with your tagless neck design? Why does it say “double scotch and loaded sidearm?”
Originally it was going to say “Stay in School” and “Be Nice To Old People.” Then we remembered how lame that would be.

Do you ever get angry letters from people?

Yes, but not as many as we’d like. We’re beginning to think this culture war thing is a load of hooey.

I have a great idea for a t-shirt you guys should make. Would you like to hear it?

No, thanks.

Oh, OK.
Nothing personal.

No, that’s cool. Um, let’s see… Do you really donate money to nonprofit groups or do you just say that for PR reasons?

Yes, we donate a portion of our sales to local and national nonprofit groups.

That model on your website — can I get her number?

No, you’re not really her type.

Do any of your shirts have subliminal messages?

Ha, ha, ha. It sounds silly, but you’d be surprised how many people ask this. Anyway, yes, most of our shirts do have a penis or at least some vaguely phallic image embedded in their design. Others carry messages encouraging kids to smoke and listen to hair metal.

Do people ever tell you that you kind of look like Jude Law?

Yes, sometimes I get that on a bad day.

Did you really get shot five times in the chest or is that just a myth?

Wanna see the scars?

Whats that smell?

The ham & cheese HotPocket I had earlier. Sorry.

Other blog names

Welcome, friends! This is Baboons Typing, the Headline Shirts blog. Why? Because we have a lot to say, and we’ve grudgingly come to realize that not all of it can be said in t-shirt format.

Let’s get to the name. If you’re familiar with our line — and judging from our traffic reports, you’re not — you would know that our logo is a silhouette of 2 baboons typing. Hence, Baboons Typing.

Now, that may seem a tad uninspired — like we decided our blog’s name on the way to the delivery room — but the truth is that we thought about it long and hard (huh huh, “long and hard”). No, really. And to prove it, here’s a list of the names we considered but rejected:

• This Week In Lies
• Moral Grey Area
• Similar to People (Not sure what this means, but it would make a great band name, right?)
• Grunts From the Vine
• You Might Also Dislike (Another great band name!)
• Did Baboons Write This?
• Primate First Class (Dude, we’re totally starting a band.)
• Steaming Hot Press (?)
• Puff Piece
• Slinging Mud
• Ground Dwelling Primate
• High Ranking Male
• Murder in the Troop (I think there was a Nature special on PBS by this name.)
• That’s A Good Question
• All the News That’s Fit To Jam Down Your Fucking Throat